In her latest audio CD, The Feel the Fear Guide to Lasting Love (Jeffers Press, 2006, ISBN: 0-9745776-6-9, $22.95), a three-hour abridged version of her book with the same title, Susan Jeffers answers these questions…and you may be very surprised at some of her answers. You will also be delightfully empowered by her suggestions for making love easier, more fulfilling and more joyous.
Drawing upon her own experience of life and love itself, Jeffers presents ground-breaking tools for pushing through the fear, taking charge of your relationship, and assuring you the much sought-after happy ending you heard about in fairy tales so many years ago...but with a very different modern-day twist. For example, you will hear a little-known relationship secret: in order to get the love we want, we have to BE the partner we are looking for. As Jeffers says, “It’s hard to find someone who possesses the qualities you admire if they are missing from your own persona. Simply put, if you want to find a loving partner, then you need to act, think and feel more loving. Like definitely attracts like!”
Jeffers offer a wealth of advice on finding and maintaining lasting love in the audio CD, The Feel the Fear Guide to Lasting Love. Excerpted below are just a few of her many powerful suggestions…
• Expand the “purpose” of your relationship. As I see it, a relationship has two important purposes—a Practical Purpose and a Higher Purpose. The Practical Purpose of a relationship is to have someone with whom to share our lives. Traveling the road together can be a joyous experience. But sometimes problems with money, sex, children, work and the like can make the journey together very difficult. It is for this reason that we need to have a Higher Purpose. The Higher Purpose of a relationship is to learn how to become a more loving person—despite what problems come up. It is our using all the problems as a vehicle for seeing what we need to work on within ourselves to keep love in our heart. In this way, problems become a plus instead of a minus. We learn, we grow, we are filled with creativity, we take responsibility, we feel strong, and we ultimately experience the exquisite beauty of real love.
• Pick up the mirror instead of the magnifying glass. What does that mean? The magnifying glass represents our symbolically pointing a finger and blaming our mate for our unhappiness. The mirror represents looking inward and taking responsibility not only for our actions, but also for our REACTIONS to what is going on in the relationship. The mirror is self-awareness, and self-awareness is the first step toward positive change. A few examples:
? The magnifying glass: I am angry because of his/her taking time away from me to spend time with his/her friends.
? The mirror: Is my life so limited that I can’t function without him/her for a few hours? It’s time for me to take responsibility to create more balance in my life so that I don’t feel empty and needy when he/she is not around.
Note that the mirror is not an instrument for self-blame, it is an instrument to promote self-awareness and healing. It removes all your denial and allows you to become honest with yourself. And from this honesty with yourself, positive change can occur.”
• Become the mate you want your mate to be. First, make a list of all the characteristics you want your mate to have. It could look like this: loving, thoughtful, warm, considerate, caring, appreciative, romantic, generous. Now for the big challenge...pick up the mirror and begin developing these qualities in yourself. You may be someone who resists this challenge. But how can we ask our mates to be something we have been unwilling to be ourselves? Trust me when I tell you that incorporating all these loving qualities within our own being can dramatically alter the thoughts and actions of our mate. And if you are single, it certainly brings a more beautiful person into your life. Remember, like attracts like.
• Handle the neediness. Neediness is an emotion that is created by fear and it’s one of the prime destroyers of love. Neediness causes us to protect ourselves at the expense of our mate, to close our hearts, to judge our mates and to blame them for our unhappiness. But when we feel strong and whole, we can be “safely vulnerable” always knowing, that no matter what happens, we will handle it all. In this way, our neediness disappears and our ability to love with a sense of confidence and joy radiates throughout our being. We become a magnet to a truly wonderful relationship.
• Validate your mate. We have to learn to notice and openly express thanks for the beautiful things people, particularly our mate, do for us. (And if you can’t find anything to thank him or her for, then why are you there?) It makes our mate feel so good when we let him/her know the things we appreciate about him/her. And it encourages him/her to continue doing beautiful things. Remember that every relationship has its good and every relationship has its bad. By focusing on the bad, we starve. By focusing on the good, we thrive. So don't let another day pass before you say, “Thank you. I love you.” Say it today...and say it often.
• Commit to one romantic act a day. Yes, love is an emotion but it’s also an action. Regularly ask yourself, “What am I doing to keep love alive?” Then, commit to doing something every day that will make your partner feel good. Say “thank you” a lot, send a loving e-mail, buy flowers, light some candles at dinner, plan a surprise weekend. Action is a way of keeping us conscious of how blessed we are to have our partner in our life. It may take time to push through any resistance that you feel, but keep pushing. Eventually you will get yourself on the side of love.
• Stop gender bashing. This is so important: You’ve probably been guilty of telling (or at least laughing at) jokes about members of the opposite sex—even when your mate is in the room. Don’t. What seems like “harmless” joking may actually be working against your efforts to move out of the realm of selfish love and into the realm of real love. When you participate in the bashing of members of the opposite sex, you are behaving in a hurtful and unloving way. Remember, if you don’t love, respect and admire the opposite sex, you won’t, by definition, love, respect and admire your mate. Nor will you be able to attract a mate if you are single.
You can see how all of the above is about learning how to move ourselves from a “selfish” love to “real” love. It is also about radiating a positive and loving energy. Why is this so important? Feelings are contagious. This means that if you think and act lovingly, your partner will actually “catch” that loving energy. You become a model that evokes love in your mate. And the whole nature of the relationship begins to move in the direction of love. Radiating a positive and loving energy can make all the difference in the world. And if you are single, radiating a positive and loving energy will certainly draw a very a very positive and loving person toward you.
The best news of all, says Jeffers, is that when you commit to moving beyond “selfish” love and into “real” love, something truly amazing can happen. You may actually wake up one day and realize that you’re sitting across the dinner table from that being you didn’t really believe existed: your Soul Mate. “If you want to ‘find’ your Soul Mate, you have to become someone who lives in your soul, what I love to call the Higher Self,” she says. “We can all make the decision to live our lives with dignity, love and caring, and to push through the inner fears that keep us from being a loving person. We all have that choice.”
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